The Great Prune Hunt

There were so many awesome titles I could have used for the blog today but this one won.  Runners up:  The Great Spanish Fight (Mom Vs. Jen), The Argentine Experience, Monica goes back to Jail.

We set our departure time for high noon and everything was going to plan until Mickey came to our room at 11 and said, "time to go" (in accent).  I said, porque? (trying to make a joke) and he looked at Jen laying in bed, who had not showered yet and walked out.   At 11:50, I made it with bags up to get a cab and Jen rolled in at 12:00 on the nose.  If looks could kill, she would be DEAD!   Off to the airport in Iguazu for our flight back to BA and here is where the shit show started.  We think dad could pass for an Argentine with a little work.   I do not look like a tourist at all!

Side note-We have been dealing with Dads trekking poles and at one place the guy told mom they would not be able to bring on plane and they would have to check bags.   This has been an issue because the poles do not fit in the bags and if there was ever an airport you did not want to check you bag for potential loss, this was it.  Now we have to have mom's suitcase saran wrapped with the poles sticking out and check the bag.  I offered many times to get the poles with me through and on the plane but that was not going to happen.  They do not even check your passport with your boarding pass.  Its fine, not worth the argument, even though we had it multiple times.   There is no other airport more disorganized than this one and they only have 2 gates.   The airport holds 250 people and we were surrounded by 500 people.  We finally got Dad and Mom a seat because we were 2 hours early for the flight and then lined up for security which was really not security and very lax.  Once we left the main waiting room, we entered the Gate waiting room which contained 200 seats and there were 500 people there just standing in random lines.  Then it started to downpour, no planes in and no planes out, complete and utter shut down (not to mention the power going on and off all the time).  I immediately sprang into action and went back out through security to commandeer some food.  Went to the cafe and got the last 3 empanadas, 4 drinks and a brownie for Jen after fighting with every disgruntled traveler delayed for hours.   I literally took the last one from a mother and small child.   I went back to security and they said, sorry, we are full.  I thought for a second about just sitting down, enjoying the food and maybe getting a wine but decided to leverage my way in where Jen had 4 seats together out of the cattle drive.  I sat down and handed out the food and Mom asked what type of empanada I got and I said, IDK, eat it.  She was hoping for ham and cheese.  Mom befriended a few people and I am sure they will be getting xmas cards this December. 

Finally after about 1.5 hours they said something very quietly and everyone got in some sort of line but no rhyme or reason.  Jen picked one line and Mom picked the other one.  I don't know if either were right but with dad, we were waiting in a line of some sort.  Jen was wrong--Mom 1  Jen 0.  Mom got into a cat fight with the lady in line with her because she "cut" the line when in actuality, she was just doing the "Argentine Way" (you will learn what this is soon).  On the plane with no one sitting between either one of us (thank you Paula) and after about 1 hour, we take off.  Thank God we did not get cancelled because it would have made this shit show a complete f ing shit show.  Jen got yelled at because she put her seat back 1" before they said we could (although they do not do some many announcements on these planes).  Now anyone that knows Jen, knows that "No one tells Jen what to do." so that seat was not going back, no matter what.   Listen, I was just happy to be on the plane, everything else was just noise to me. 

After our first bit of turbulence when the plane shook like the wings were going to fall off, I tightened my belt and put my wallet in my pocket so they could identify my body.  These things are not even headlines in the US, unless you are a star soccer player (which I am but have not been discovered yet).  After the second 20' turbulence drop, I said to my dad, "now is an appropriate time to say, "Well (accent) I had a good life"  It was so rough, I only slept 1.5 hours of the 2 hour flight. 

We landed and thank the good lord, got our bags.  They were soaking wet, like they left them in the rain, but beggars cannot be choosers.  Now the "Argentine way" story- I did not need to ask directions (against a few people's suggestions) as I followed the signs and pictures for a cab (visual clues and again, all airports are the same).  We got into the taxi line and waited for the guy to get us the next available cab (as that is how it works), not , he was hailing cabs in front of the guy paid to hail cabs and when that fight broke out, he said, this is the Argentine way.  Apparently, you cut lines, and do whatever you need to in order to complete task, hence, "the Argentine way."  Translation: Ventajista.

Now the Great Spanish (Vosotros) Fight-and I have to call it as I saw it: Mom 1 Jen 1 (good job honey, you were right about conjugating vosotros--Dad and I drank wine).  We got to hotel Savoy and went to our rooms but Dad pulled me aside to whisper to me, "we need to get get some wine"-NO SHIT!  We then proceeded on the Great Prune Hunt.  I don't need to explain why we needed to find prunes for one of our travelers but apparently he needs 7 per day.  After about 10 shops we got them (thanks Jen).  It took a while because Jen would ask in Spanish to the clerks and then Dad would follow up with the same person in English.  We found Olives, figs, plums, raisins (white and red), multiple juices, etc.  All I wanted was to drink 2 large beers and wine (see pic).  We actually got "Argentine Wayed" a few times in the process.  I wont even talk about how f'd up the check out process is in this country.  They have the garbage problem licked, the water pressure is tremendous (even when flushing the toilet), check out procedures, not so much.  Mom told Jen that my blog is Fake News b/c she did not ask an ice cream man a question-but she did!

Called KK and had a nice chat with Sarah and Leslie and got great presents for Elcimar and Beto--Boca Juniors Cologne to make them play better soccer.  There is a soccer game on everywhere here.  My dad says there are 30 teams in BA, the most in any city.  The soccer is fun to watch and I know my dad likes it.  He was a number ocho player (inside midfield).  I wanted to make a shout out to Mike B as he should be happy I did not take his number 6 in high school and I took 66 even though I was a better player then him, lol. 

Side thought-I am going to come up with a titan games for dogs.  I think it would be a big hit-Glenn, get on it. 

We did not get to see Leticia, she was too tired but maybe next week.   Today we took a tour of La Bombarano, Boca Jrs. soccer stadium.  It was nice but not even close to Real Madrid or Barca and not a lot about Maradona.  I bought a Jersey and Dad finally found someone that knew the 1944 squad.  The very most importante person in Argentina is San Martin and the tour guide told us he was born in BA but what she did NOT know was that Monica, My dads BF, spent his entire life in and out of jail as a journalist researching that he (San Martin)was actually born in Misiones(where my dad and Monica were born).  The travel agent asked for his contact info so he very well might be heading back to jail at 89.  He did give my dad a crap ton of documentation about his research.  The tunnels were closed due to repair (thanks Erin) but probably better because the building they started at looked like it was about to fall down.  Walk back to hotel, smoked a cigar and out to dinner tonight.  Oh, I got a new purse! 

Mate-"a delicious blend of herbs and spices in a hand made cup (made of some old fruit) that everyone shares with a dirty spoon/straw"  More to come on this disgusting habit but I know Erin and Chris would love it. 

No problemo, it’s only a level 1 DWI

I am so glad Jen was able to translate “100% no” en Español or we might have slept in an argentine jail.  Luckily, we woke up in a hotel and took a really cold shower. No worries, had the best night of sleep the night before-full five hours. Had breakfast, met with Mercedes and discussed the prior night and off to the bus station to meet up with the other aborigines traveling across Argentina, and their chickens.  The bus ride was five hours from Posados to Iguazu falls and I slept four hours and 55 minutes. I heard the landscape is beautiful but not from Jen because  she slept the full five hours. I did get caught with my hands in my pants on the bus (while sleeping of course). Everyone that knows me knows I sleep with my hands in my pants. On the plane, we have a blanket but on the bus, we did not. Jen knows If we ever get in an accident to immediately pull my hands out so she does not have to explain things to the police or embarrass me at my funeral.

The hotel is absolutely beautiful  (thank you Michael Hegarty).  It is literally an Argentine five-star hotel in the middle of the jungle. Jen felt at home. Mom tried to negotiate the tourism tax at the front desk and actually won the fight because she is retired! Jen and I went to our rooms after paying the 200 pesos, or six dollars. Apparently, the hotel has completely changed since 2013, The last time mom and dad came with the Hegarty’s !

Sidenote, my laptop is completely out of batteries and I am dictating my blog into my phone. Every time I say the word Jen, it puts up an emoji of french fries from McDonald’s. On a seperate side note, I am finishing this on a spanish computer and the keyboard is different.  Not easy.

We got checked in, walked to the pool and I convinced everyone to get a drink. I ordered a gray goose dirty martini, Jen Ordered a coca light, dad ordered a large Malbec and mom ordered a gin and tonic. I took one sip of my martini and realized it was Gin so now I was drinking a double Malbec and dad had the double martini.  He said, “I haven’t had a martini in 6 weeks” and Mom replies “you had a martini 2 days ago” (in snippy voice).

None of us can understand the very simple exchange rate and constantly are questioning each and every bill.  Except my dad, who could care less!  The other thing that’s crazy is how much water they waste in the bathroom. In the US we are worried about 1 L per flush in Europe they believe in "if it’s yellow let it mellow." In Argentina they believe in a full 5 gallon flush. The flush button continuously put water in the toilet until you let go.  Dinner in the dining room was great and me and Jen got to relax early. In the morning-Iguazu Falls. I do want to give props to my mom, who has the entire itenary in a waterproof case and it is always front and center when we need it.  Dad got in trouble and had to pour his opened wine into a water bottle an carry it himself. 

Took a cab to the falls and pay $1200(pesos) which seem like a lot but we were able to get all of the cab drivers information for future cab rides. At the park it was awesome; we did the upper and lower loop. We saw monkeys spiders, crocodiles, raccoon anteaters, butterflies. This is where Mickey and Nancy shine. They trekked 5 miles in 100° heat and did not complain.  I told Jen her mother better act the same way when we go to France in the fall.  Jackie, I know you read this blog.  On the way down to the lower Falls Jen said to dad," it’s harder on the way downhill Mickey, bc it hurts your knees."  Mickey said three words plus 2 back, “no it’s not, Jen you’re wrong.” On the way back, we all agreed dad was right. About halfway up the hill I heard dad say (in his accent) “well-I had a good life.”  Like this was it and if he made it to the top of the hill great, but if not, well that’s ok also. He made it up!(alive)

We saw the place where the Hegarty’s took their family picture and the guy that took it.  Beautiful place Mike !    Dad saw a kid wearing a Boca Junior (soccer)shirt and started talking to him in English asking him if he knew the players in the 1944 Boca team. The kid was 11(and Spanish speaking!).  Dad told him who all the players were.  Back to the hotel and realized our 1200 peso cab ride was round-trip. We almost paid him double (idiots). Dad went swimming and everyone was on standby because each and every stroke he took, he looked like he was drowning. The Argentine crawl, one arm goes up, the other arm stays limp and you have to be really careful not to swim in a circle.  I asked him who tought him to swim that way and he started to explain that in the war he hurt his back badly but come to find out, yes he was technically in the war but the accident occurred on the beach in Rhode Island while driving drunk and he was in the hospital for a few weeks.  Anyway, still not sure I understand why he swims that way other then he took a 1 hour lesson for the crawl at the YMCA and only stayed for 1/2 an hour. 

Mom finally changed stitch on her knitting project   It’s about 7 “ long now.  The aborigines, who literally knitted a full dress in 30 min to sell would spit on her( but she is so cute with her projects and her knitting).   When we got home, it was supposed to be free time, according to the schedule. But, Dad was not allowed to watch the soccer game so I had to report scores to him.  We had cocktails by the pool, took a nap and relaxed. It was awesome!

Got back to room and the "incident" happened.  My wine was gone.  I searched everywhere. I decided to call the front desk and they told me when they know something, they will let me know.  Well played!!!!  Dad felt bad so he decided to buy me a bottle of wine at dinner which I guess I do not understand because we are just signing everything to our room and my credit card is the one that is backing all our transactions.  Nice gesture though.  Still no word. Dinner was great and very relaxed.  Everything is overcooked here, except the eggs and bacon which are barely cooked at all.  Jen and I have been carbo loading for breakfast!

Best Night of Sleep EVER!

Im not sure if it was the amount of alcohol that was pushed at me, or the twin beds in our room but I had the best night of sleep ever.  No jockeying for blankets, no hanky panky, but for 4 hours I slept like a king.   Luckily we have a 5 hour bus trip as i am looking at getting a full 5 more hours.

Peter the Swede (not Peter Benchimol) is a liar!   They did not invent Swedish meatballs or the ball bearings.  Still checking on the validity of the other claims but we can all agree we were duped by the Swede.  Lesson learned.

There is a lot to talk about today and I don't want to miss anything.  We left BA for the airport to fly to Posadas, the birth place of my dad and to meet my uncle, Paroto.  Airport uneventful and when i say that it was still a shit show but not nearly enough to comment on b/c the rest of the day was awesome.  Landed fine and the whole clan was waiting for us.  Uncle Paroto, Mercedes, John (NOT JUAN), little John (again not Juan),

We got picked up into 2 cars.  Mom and Dad in one with Paroto and the taxi driver, and Jen and myself in the other with cousin Mercedes and her husband John.  We got the tour of Posadas which was a lot bigger and nicer then was described to us.   They follow me on instagram and asked Jen about the Porsche she bought me for our anniversary.  They must have stalked us on social media.  I guess we are buying dinner tonight.  You can cross the Parana River (pronounced Para-na not Piraña which is ironic because my dad learned to swim in this river until his lessons came abruptly to a halt when he got bit by a Piraña).  Jen has been a champ as a translator and is the glue keeping this group together.  Mercedes and John were great and so helpful showing us around and giving us the lay of the land.  I wish I got a picture of John's shirt which said, follow me to Tennessee.  Classic.  I also bought 3 awesome t shirts in Argentina.

We went to get our bus tickets to Iguazu falls b/c Poroto did not get our telegram but the place was closed for siesta (which i am definitely instituting into my business plan when i get home).  We decided to walk to Dad's old house (current house of Poroto, John, Mercedes and her mom).  It was literally 3 blocks from the hotel in the middle of Posadas city.  As we were about 1 block away and dad was not sure which direction it was, I said, does anything look familiar (keep in mind they were here in 2013 as well, but did not go into the house b/c it was infiltrated by El Gato's (17).  The mango tree that dad remembered as a kid was taken down but he did not remember the sky scraper that was built  in the back yard when Poroto sold part of the property.  A tad cray cray.  We caught up with the family and Poroto brought out a stack of old photos but no one knew who anyone was in the pictures.  We hung for a bit and then went to get our bus tickets before getting ready for dinner which was at 9 at the Casino.   I am thinking about sending Gary down here to fix a few electrical issues with Poroto's house b/c i think there is going to be a fire.  Oh, on a side note, Paroto told everyone I am his favorite nephew and we just met!  Apparently, (according to his girlfriend Mercedes' mom) he talks about me all the time.

Mercedes did a great job of setting up the table seats to accommodate the language barrier and then for the surprise, my dads best friend, Monica(a man) who was supposedly un-findable, was found and brought to dinner.  Dad got a crash course in fast Spanish and talked intently for hours catching up.  Monica is 89 and a political activist that introduced my dad to classical music.   To top it all off, a friend of Pachona (dads sister who is not with us anymore) was the singer and when you see the pictures you will see how fast the night escalated.  We danced, drank, laughed and cried (not really cry but you get it).  A tad of a shit show at payment time (which Jen made me deal with) and there was a "mom and dad problem" not a "Spanish Problem" (Jen).

I think I could live in Argentina.  In Europe, I stand out with my barrel chest but in Argentina, I blend right in.  There is no "Me too" movement here, I can order beer and wine and find a bathroom (with my Spanish) and that is day 2!  Everyone is so friendly here also but I do believe these people live a hard life compared to us and by us, I mean the USA.   At 2:30 am, John and Mercedes tried to get us to go out and I told Jen to translate--como se dice "a 100 percent NO".   She also tried to translate "me too" movement but that was unsuccessful.  (This is Jen:  John was very concerned about the "me too" movement bc the show girls at the casino were 1/2 naked and he was worried about the people getting handsy with the girls butts!  He feels this would not fly in the US)

Thank God we did not go with those guys (john and Mercedes) bc we totally could've (actually it is would have) ended up in an Argentine jail.  No Joke--for more info DM me! lol

To top off the night, had a great dance with my mom!  #nancybenchimol

Dude, there are so many more awesome pics i could put up but i cannot figure out how to do it and i want to post this blog....  piece, love, Argentina

New development-I just hired Jen to be my publisher so if anything is not #metoo then I am not to blame!

Day 2 Buenos Aires

Deplaned no problem but mom had to stop 5 times to ask directions on how to get out.  I told her all airports are the same and just follow me.  Apparently she thinks the ice cream vendors know better!  Got bags-no problem but almost lost dad on a trip to the bathroom.  We decided to divide and conquer until we could get a bell on Mickey.   Taxi to hotel Savoy was fine and so was check in.  I told mom and dad to meet us in our room when they were unpacked and ready to explore and we heard them in the hall talking to people but they never came.  The front desk called and said they got lost and for us to come down, so we did.    We wanted to get a quick bite so my mom asked where there were good empanadas and she came out and said the BEST empanadas in BA are one block away.  Unfortunately, she did not get the name of the place or the direction so we believe we ate the best empanadas in BA but very much could have sat across the street from the best empanada place in BA.  I like to believe we did find the right place.  They were AWESOME.

Walk to the plaza de mayo, where in the 70's all the women had children taken from them and given to soldiers and anyone who was not on the right side of politics was brought up in a helicopter and dropped in the ocean.  My dad was very proud to report that of the 11 times he stowed away in ships leaving the county that he never picked anything except a us ship because they did not throw the stowaways in the water to drown.  The .9 mile walk which I directed was long, hot and brutal.  Every step we took on the broken, pot holed, uneven sidewalk could have ended our trip and it was 101 degrees.   We finally made it and saw the Presidential Mansion, btw the president is the old former president of Boca Juniors Soccer Team (only in Argentina).  Every single TV on in this country has a soccer game being played.  We walked back at an Alex Betke pace and decided to take a break before our big Tango/Dinner Show that evening.   I called and told them we would walk the block to the restaurant instead of getting picked up but that proved to be a mistake in the end.   Got to our room and popped open a few beers I got at the market and invited dad down for a wine cocktail before we left.    Now the story starts getting better.   Walk to show in 101 temps and got front row seats to the sit down dinner for 500.  We immediately met Peter, a Swede who travels the world for business and he was very much bragging about how great Sweden was and named a ton of inventions that we would not have today without Sweden.  (dad could not hear that well because he took a shower with his hearing aides in-first day and they no longer work!).  Here are a few of the items he took credit for (Erin, can you please check the validity of these as I do not have time and i told him before i put in my blog, i would do the research).
Coke Bottle Design, Milk from cow Separator (the centrifuge), zipper, 3 pt seat belt (1950), absolute vodka, Ikea, H&M, Abba (the band, not the girl) and incidentally musicals in general, yellow and blue colors boca juniors because they could not decide on colors and they decided to wait until the next ship came to harbor and it was Sweden so the colors of boca is yellow and blue (Sweden colors), Swedish fish, Ibrohimovich, Nobel peace prize, dynamite, face recognition, Swedish meatballs, skype, spotify, ball bearings, bluetooth and there was more but i got hit with MIND ERASER if you know what i mean.  Now i have a notebook to write down when fresh.  He also claimed they invented the adjustable wrench, which i told him was a complete f up and they are personally responsible for stripping bolts all across the county.  He said if used correctly it is a miracle tool.   To top it all off, he said he projected Michelle Obama to be the next president of the United States.  Anyway it was really fun to talk to him and hear how proud he was of his country even though, i told him no one uses skype anymore.  I think he had a crush on Jen!  I wish Americans were as proud of their county as people we have met in Spain, South America, etc.  I rattled off a ton of things the Swedes could thank us for also. 

BTW, Peter the swede carries a purse just like me!  He's not embarrassed at all!

Food was good but Tango dancers were unbelievable.  Forget any other sport because this one is for keeps.  Screw up in football and you give up 7 points,  screw up in baseball and the most you give up is 4 runs, soccer 1 goal, hockey 1 goal.   You screw up in Tango and you could possible get kicked square in the nuts (most likely with a chubby).    I leaned over to Jen and said, "you never wear dresses with slits in them anymore!" (which is a true story).  I'm not sure how many of you know, but Jen and I are both classically trained in Tango and other dance, FYI.  I saw my dad losing attention span and even though they poured us unlimited wine, 2.5 hours of Tango is a lot.  Needless to say, we took a car home and got to bed by 1:30 AM.   6:30 AM came really quick BUT we made a smart move and bought small luggage to use for our 2-3 day trips out of BA.  We are leaving our big bags in the hotel Savoy as we always come back to it.    Good First Day in Argentina.  Tomorrow we go to Posadas to see where my dad was born and lived and we will get picked up at the airport by Poroto, my dads brother, if he got the letter they sent 3 weeks ago. 

Argentina Day 1-Planning to the Plane

Argentina 14 day tour with 87 year old dad and 80 year old mom-day 1

It all started about 3 years ago when we decided we wanted to visit Argentina with my mom and dad and see where he was born.  We were the only ones that had not gone there yet and it was time.  Planned 2 week trip which ultimately was cancelled abruptly 1 month before, due to my then 86 year old dad breaking his leg.  Fast forward 1 year and we are doing it again.  Same trip a year later and it looks like it’s a go.  Planning was fun and I spearheaded the campaign taking care of airlines right off the bat.  Then we had a dinner to plan the rest and after ½ an hour of making zero decisions on a 14 day tour, I decided to get my parents drunk and make the plans.  Second meeting was a conference call (facetime) and went pretty smooth mostly because I had done a lot of research.  Here was the major issue:  Someone gave me a new desk calendar for my office in Jan and while planning all my excursions and looking at the calendar, I booked everything 1 day off (2018 calendar).  Luckily, I caught this mistake and was able to easily change everything (NOT really easily).  

Day of trip-Wednesday:   Driving down to Long Island to get my parents in Jens BMW 750 Long (not bragging, this is part of the story) and we get to my parents’ house and they want us to take their van.  I explained to them that we were renting small cars in South America and if we could not figure out how to fit our luggage in this car, we were screwed in Argentina.   Anyway, flight at 10, dad wants to leave at 3 because of weather.  Luckily I was able to find a soccer game for him to watch to hold him off until 5 or we would‘ve been at JFK for 5 hours.    Uneventful ride to JFK except the arguments between my mom and wayz on the fastest way to the airport.  Wayz was right.  Although bag checks were free, mom and dad decided to only check one bag and carry 2 carryon’s with them.  They are excellent travelers and packed way less then Jen and myself but at least we weren’t dragging our luggage thru the airport. 

Security was quick and my mom and dad explained about all the foreign metal in their bodies to anyone that would listen and a lot of people listened.  Then my mom’s suitcase got flagged which luckily Jen noticed because they did not.  After getting it inspected and the TSA agent picking up my mom’s fake boob and looking very perplexed and immediately closing the case and giving it back to my mom.   Jens comment was spot on when she said it was my mom’s “dress boob.”

Next to dinner, but wait, my parents say, “they are going to feed us on the plane.”  I don’t even listen and get us a table as I do not like to eat a dinner of plane food at midnight (which turned out to be 1:30 am).  Plus, my goal was to be as tuned up as possible before getting on that plane and that took 2 martinis a few beers.   Luckily I had my PSD to tide me over.

We were group 7 to board which always scares me but there were not a lot of people in line and I thought it was going to be an empty plane but I didn’t say it b/c I didn’t want to jinx the situation.  I was able to get us in at group 4 and I just pretended my dad was really old and did not understand what was going on and told the group to stay close to me.  In retrospect, I should have gotten him a wheel chair and we could front line everything.  On the plane and seated as comfortably as possible with isle and window and no one in between and I thought we were golden until…..

The invasion of the Hasidic Jew, Spanish speaking only, group of at least 15 complete with 10 kids.  Complete mayhem and the flight attendants lost complete control for at least 30 minutes.  It was crazy town.  When the dust settled we had Spanish speaking 10 year old’s in between us.  Mom was trying to communicate with her boy using broken Spanish and what appeared to be a charade presentation, while dad, who once again was born in Argentina and speaks Spanish(!), watched with bewilderment.   Classic Mickey Benchimol.

1 announcement, 2 hours, plane de-ice, waiting and then take off.   My goal was to sleep the entire way and I did pretty good.   Dinner finally came at 1:30 AM and mom leaned back and said, “I told you we were getting dinner,” as to my reply of, “you were right mom! “

On plane now and about 1 hour from landing.  Love hearing the stories from mom and dad about the first time they came to Argentina in 1969 with mike and Liz and how all the village people came to see the 2 year old baby boy that could speak English (mike).  Anyway, journey continues.   Pictures do not do justice to the story btw.  More to come….