"I am really Easy, except in the bedroom" Allison Coleman

To the ship today on a bus that was wheels up at 8:30 AM and was explained to us in a fierce way the night before.  Bottom line is, these people do not wait for people.   Met J & S at breakfast and enjoyed a free croissant.   At 8:23 after finishing breakfast, we proceeded to the bus and Jackie said, "ok, I'll see you on the bus, I am going up stairs to my room to get my bags, use the bathroom and get ready."   Classic J.  Bus to train, train to boat was an east exchange and we were on a high speed train in 1st class.  I used this time to write my last blog while everyone else slept.  All the cows here are white for some reason.   Got to boat and the bus drove us right down the path directly in front of the boat, no problem. 

On the boat we immediately saw Ali and Tyrone.  Ty was wearing lounge pants, a t shirt and flip flops and Ali looked like she was in a frantic way (I could tell just by her hair).   Apparently in her drunken state, she lost her medicine that keeps her alive.  We unpacked, met for lunch and then headed to town to try and self prescribe Ali medicine at the local pharmacia.  We found a place that would help but needed a prescription so we would get and go back tomorrow.    Had a cocktail and headed back to the boat and met up with Jessee and Alex who's suite was getting put together.  They were just finishing up unloading Jessee's trunk and decorating with Rae Dunn and a custom bed spread.   Jessee only had about 1/2 ounce left in her perfume so not only did she bring that one but a huge brand new one also.  Stopped into J & S room one deck down from Jessee and one deck above the us and the Irish who are in steerage.  Tyrone literally had to stoke the furnace for 2 hours that night and there are waterproof doors closing off our cabin area.   It took Jackie a while to unpack her pill box but we had enough time to get a drink and get to the muster drill.  I told an older couple that if shit goes sideways, they would be smart to just follow me.  they looked at me like I was crazy (but it is the truth).   Good dinner, good drinks, and good night.   Next morning was a tour of Lyon at 9 am (wheels up).   Steve and Jackie met with the program director for the 10th time to discuss the bus trip the next morning but later that night, we saw the program director moving her office out of the open and behind closed doors. 

Woke up to a cyclone of activity in the bathroom which is the size of my toilet room in my house.   Jen dropped her whole make up bag, and half a soda (3rd spill).  Breakfast was good and on bus on time.  Toured a beautiful church and into the old part of town where we learned about secret passages to avoid the Nazi's and we stayed for lunch and decided to walk home to boat past a cigar store of course.  Oh, by the way at lunch Jen had to get up and the table was so loose, my beer (full big size) spilled all over Jessee.  Not my fault and the waiter agreed as he left the broken glass all over the street.  Back to Pharmacia and T & A almost pissed their pants because there are not a lot of bathrooms around here.  Mission complete (meds bought, Ali lives to see another day)and back to the boat for our afternoon siesta and preparations for our dinner/drinking.   On the way home we saw a statue that we think was a statue of Steve carrying Jackie after a tough day touring.  We couldn't read because it was in french but looked like my description. 

Mr. Wonderful is one of our waiters who introduced himself as that and also Mr. 100% customer service.  This will play a big part of the blog moving forward.   Tyrone and Mr. Wonderful hit it off from the bat.    I am however nervous that Mr. Wonderful is also, Mr. Great Salesmen and T & A will have a huge bar tab on the last day.  We met in the lounge for a lecture on the French resistance, which was excellent.  Jen sat up front, I sat with a beer and the rest of the crew on couches.   Steve was missing and when he finally got there, Jackie gave him the grand inquisition of where he was.  We all found out he was taking a dump in the room.   Steve told me a lot about Junebug (not my junebug but his ex wife) and their travels abroad.   It seems Junebug #1 needed a lot of "attention" also and maybe Steve has a type as well, just saying.  To dinner we go and everyone was pretty well LIT (except for Jen and Jessee) and some of us were even more LIT then others but that was just the beginning for Ali.  After a few bottles of wine Ali really let her hair down and told everyone how easy she was, but after a few jokes, changed it to easy, except in the bedroom.  Mr. Wonderful really seemed to like this side of Ali and Ty who was more worried about getting into the after party with the crew that he almost missed his wife getting tossed into sex slavery.   We talked about everything from Jessee's lady surgery which I agreed to consult on, (in my plan I would come in from the front and the back just to make sure it was done correctly) to Alex billing his clients 1k per hour.  I even said I would punch Ronnie in her hair if she didn't sell Ali's house.  Mr. Excellent, or in this case, Mr. Not so Excellence forgot Jen's lime and I guess he has not figured out that if Jen's not happy, no one is.  This is about the time Ali's hair was completely on her plate of Syrup and Carmel.   Classic Ali.   One glass of Dalmore and off to bed. 

Morning came soon but to breakfast and on bus in time for our winery visit.  Ali was there on time and did not have time to shower or brush her hair.   Jackie was on bus 2 min late but we were blocked in by another bus so she got lucky.   On the bus, there was a lady who's husband is basically blind but talked all the way to the winery.  I even had a dream about her.   "walk straight DAN!" she shouted.  I slept both ways and the winery was great and different than any I have ever seen.  Wine was ok, but Ty seemed to like it and his neighbors.   Back to boat just in time for lunch where I had the best potato soup I have ever had.  If I had a dogs tongue, I would have licked my bowl.   Siesta time and off to next port. 

The Second Fight on our first day of “vacation”

Our first full day in Paris was great except for the fact that Jackie could not believe that all the TV channels were in French.  She called the front desk to complain but they didn’t speak English.   The best news was that on our way up the room, the desk clerk told us that tonight was daylight savings time and clocks would be moved back.  That is a homerun for us as we were getting up at 6 am for Normandy.    Up like an early bird and on time for our meeting place for our 13 hour tour to Normandy.   I was asleep before we got on the highway.   First stop, bathroom break 1 ½ hours in where Jen found the perfect down coat to buy, at a rest area on the highway.  She did not like any of the ones we saw the prior week at the Patagonia store even though I insisted she buy one for this trip.   Who knew she would find the perfect coat, while freezing, at a truck stop. 

Bottom line-We (The US) saved Frances ass in WWII and if we didn’t, they would be the German’s bitches.  They are very grateful to the Americans and show this with a sense of pride many Americans have lost.  US flags everywhere!  Our tour guide, Emerich, said please no spills in the van—oh shit as Jen loaded 2 2 liter bottles of coke (no sugar).   The gals on our trip are from Texas where everyone has a horse, a gun and is a hunter.  It was like being in a bus with Jo from the Office the whole day.   Bernie, the almond farmer from CA told us that the mini series, Goliath, was 100% accurate—I do endorse this program.  Bernie (know-it-all)was very loose with the word, “hillbilly” which I wonder if we can even say anymore.  Once again, our guide was awesome and we saw Omaha Beach, German strong holds and the largest American cemetery in Europe.  We had a buckwheat crepe for lunch.  On the way home, we had a great, reasonable and understanding discussion on gun control in the US.  This is with a group from Texas, California, France and CT.   We asked Emerich if all French really hated Americans because we have not seen it and he said, older French do hate Americans but the younger generation are starting to like us but French people are really lazy and do not want to learn English and we all know Americans expect everyone to speak English (especially Jackie) so we are in a catch 22. 

Home in time for dinner with Jackie and Steve to a place that Richard recommended.  When we got there, they reserved us a romantic table in the upstairs section.   Jackie said, “do we have to climb stairs?” and the matredee did not respond.  The next question from Jackie was at the second to last stair, “is there a bathroom upstairs?” and this time, he did respond, “NO, in the basement.” LOL  Typical “Jackie” ordering process in English to people that do not speak English.  I was waiting for Jackie’s off the menu order of mashed potatoes be French fries mashed up like a baby’s dinner but they made them.  They would not put whip cream on the crème brule though and I thought that may have been a fight, but worked out ok.  I want to take the time to thank Richard and Gene for their recommendations (gene is the girl) as we heard about it all night.  Picture the Capt. And Tennille and that is R & G.  After a few bottles of wine and we loosened up, the jokes started flying.  “Three Mexicans go into a bar…” SHUT DOWN BY JEN! 

The reason French people hate us is because they do not speak English and too lazy to learn and we (Jackie) continue to speak English to them and not only “easy” words, but tier 3 words.  Listening to Jackie ask the cab driver to pull away from the curb with the door open so she could step on road first was classic. “I do not understand, away from the curb?”

Next morning we were not the early bird but more like the late snail.  Breakfast at Jackie’s favorite place in Paris 12 steps from the hotel door-at 10 am.   Our $70 Croissants were delicious and almost as good as the free ones that come with our hotel breakfast.  Next to the Hop on Hop off Bus.  We planned on meeting J & S so we toured all of Paris and met them at Notre Dame—so sad to see it burned.  Anyway, I said to Jen-do you want to walk or take bus to meet J & S.  That was it, I had gone too far and the fight was on like donkey Kong.  I was doing the back math in my head and figuring where I went wrong-maybe when I said, “you should look for a smaller bag of jelly beans,” that morning?   Anyway, now Jen had to go to a bank to get her own euro’s, she had to stop at a store to get jelly beans and we just missed the bus because Jackie was buying a hat from a street vendor.  Then Jen said as we got on the bus, “I AM GOING BACK TO GET THAT PAINTING TODAY WITH OR WITHOUT YOU”  and I thought “the one you were standing in front of for 10 min’s?”  When we told J & S that we were on a double decker bus, she said, “oh, are there stairs?” We decided to sit downstairs only to find out J does not sit backwards on even a full bus with only seats facing backwards.  [This is Jen: this is absolutely NOT why the fight went down, but I am letting John have his say in his blog, lol  I am sure that my mom would also disagree with a few parts as well lol]

So after a little mishap on my side, Jen and I became separated in Paris.  This turned into a text fight which l actually like, because I can say what I want without getting interrupted but here is the issue.  Jen will not use her phone unless it is in WIFI.  She does not want to spend the $10/day.   I told her the first day, I just spent $15 on a martini and most likely will have another but she gets a bee in her bonnet.  Thank god she got back to hotel as it was becoming a very one sided text fight.  It turned out just fine and Jen apologized to me and I proceeded to make the most romantic gesture and put a lock on the Love bridge in Paris.  

We met for our dinner cruise, Eiffel Tower and Moulon Rouge (incidentally, we did not make the last part).  Steve told me about the best cab ride he had so far, which seems like the best one is always the last one.  The night was great until Jackie had Steve steal some water from the bar and fill up her cup but in actuality It was Vinegar, so that did not go over well.

Paris is built just like Buenos Aires with the one exception being in Paris, they do not have all their electrical attached to the outsides of their buildings like Christmas vacation and there are no fat people in Paris.  I also found a place where the Polaris Slingshot looks cool—In Paris.  

Does anyone know where my comments “Turkish prison” comes from?   If you do, message back and we will see who knows me.  Well Richard said we should get to bed early as we have a big day tomorrow getting on train to Lyon for our Viking Cruise.   Peace and Love.

The Pillow Fight & Beem Saw the Ween

"Hey ma, where are you?" said Jen.  "Oh, I don't know somewhere on the Hutch in horrible traffic" Jackie said in a 'cold, coming in hard' voice.   "ok, we will meet you at the gate, bye." replied Jen.

Now I am driving with Mario Andretti (Jen)but as if he used the break like he was two foot driving.  Thank god I am a Narcolept and slept most of the time.  You see, we have to get through security before the "show" and I don't even mean shit show.   Parked at JFK park and ride (best solution for JFK-Shout out), got to airport, Curb side baggage check, TSA PRE CHECK, and into a restaurant 1 hour before boarding, already sipping a dirty martini.   

Lets back track a little, first soda spill while driving and Jen had to change her shirt at the park and ride.  Now we are eating our romantic meal, gazing into each other eyes on our way to Paris for the first time, when what to my wondering eye, appears?   Steve sprinting past the restaurant in the wrong direction.   Jen sprang to her feet and raced after him to learn he had left his phone at security.   Where was Jackie?    Jen took off and went to gate to get Jackie after she reminded me that she was going to buy a neck pillow because she forgot hers but would NOT spend 25 dollars on one (this comes in later in the story),   I cancelled my next beer, paid the check and made it to the gate with 10 min before pre boarding.   When I greeted J & S, Jen said, "did you get my neck pillow?"   I said, "well no, it was 25.00."   I immediately proceeded to the store because I screwed up big time.    

On the Plane and I explained my wine ordering rules for my neighbors.   Seat Order was (4 middle seats)steve, jackie, john, jen.   I explained to jackie that her best chance of survival was to stick close to me if it goes sideways.   Jackie then proceeded on an 1.25 hr preparation drill including unloading 18 little Lillian Vernon bags of all different sizes into a backpack, jammed with voodoo dolls, special ointments and keepsakes.  After all the pills and set up were done and the Chinese box went back together, she asks me and steve if she can put her legs on ours?  WTF is she going to spread eagle on the plane? Jen set up her tent fort and we waited for dinner and drinks.   They could not come soon enough I got 5 total wines!  (Thank you Steve and Jen).  Steve even got a wine from the garbage stewardess.  At bed time, I looked over at Jen and said, "aren't you going to use the neck pillow i got?"   She replied with an Abby face and I knew I was Fucked!   Finally convinced her to use it and just SHUT UP.   It was hotter then a Turkish Prison the entire time and I was between my wife who is Pissed at me and Typhoid Mary.  I almost took my shirt off and I was only wearing a T SHIRT.  

Watched The Arctic, and I don't endorse it at all and I would not even say it was good but that MF had a tough deal.  Woke up and made nicey nicey with Jen (We french kissed since we were in France air space).   Off plane, through customs, out door and to hotel really quick--Wheelchair is Gold!   Bags to room, brush teeth, off to Louvre by Noon.  Jen told me she loved her pillow and it had the right texture, color and feel-  We are back in louvre.  

Tour guide David was AWESOME.  We saw and learned about the Louvre in a private almost 4 hour tour with this guy.   Jackie and Steve almost touched the Mona Lisa.   We learned every back hallway, 2 step elevator in obscure places and back hallways.   My favorite was the Les Miserarables Painting and Fruit Faces.   I love Greek and Roman but that is not really France art.  We saw the first Transgender statue (Hermaphrodite) made in 200 AD.    Also,  It was nice because "Beem saw the Ween," which is also my second title.  Saw the Arch de Triumph, "Eh"--marlo.    Drink at a cafe, where we had our second soda spill.   I tried to tell the girl in French it was not sugar soda but it did not translate that great.    Back to hotel and we are getting daylight savings time and falling  back bitches.  Probably screws us in the long run.  Peace out--Normandy tomorrow.